JA: I have very strict rules around song selection: 1) it must be a song I like. 2) I must be able to sing 80-90% of the notes and 3) there must be a reasonable quality backing track available for free online. It’s a rigorous process. Then, once we’ve created a short list, we sit around and drink Tia Maria until we pass out and then the song that we wake up singing is the song we choose. It’s very similar to how they choose the Pope.
PLM: I would say that the phrase ‘routine’ would be a little misleading to potential audience members. We wouldn’t want to get your Little Lady Luscious in trouble with Trading Standards.
JA: Carol Decker from the band T’Pau. Mostly so I could ask her wtf China In Your Hands was all about.
PLM: Simon Cowell. For no money. Only to be told I’m ‘too cabaret’. We can but dream.
JA: I’m essentially immune to embarrassment. Once you’ve done full make-up in a public toilet in Salford then you realise it’s not a useful emotion in a cabaret performer.
PLM: I think it was the time Victor Spinetti was playing ‘Fagin’ to my ‘Un-named Orphan who got in his light’. I was very large for an unwanted orphan on gruel. He touched me on the head. They’d be calling Yewtree if that happened today…
JA: I try very hard to keep all my talents very public and well-known. That’s why my Grindr profile is written in ALL CAPS.
PLM: Artistic poverty has made me a slave to the Omlette pan, so I’m a dab hand at a cheese n mushroom now. And I’m learning the Ocarina.
JA: Making other equally destructive life choices, I suppose. I once sang for Gazza in a piano bar in Kensington. I like to think if we’d both made very different life choices, we could have made it work. They could play Fog On The Tyne as we walked down the aisle.
PLM: I wanted to be a window dresser but Mother said there was only room for one cliché in my short life.
JA: Like a first date, it’s best to keep expectations low, have had a couple of drinks before it starts and be open to getting felt up in a dark corner before the night is over. We may also sing songs.
PLM: Two middle-aged men that have no business in leggings.
JA: I’m watching this amazing new US political series in which a reality TV show host becomes president. It’s a hilarious satire.
PLM: Riverdale on Netflix. I’m pretending I’m fifteen again; it’s very liberating. My bacne has just come in.